Wednesday, March 25, 2009
i have a family blog, and soon after we lost Clementine i wrote "the lords love" post. i am now posting it here, i don't know why. i hope that someone is actually reading my blog and hopefully benefiting from this. it's hard to have to go through pre-term labor or a miscarriage. Clementine would have been here with us by now (if she had not been born early). Her due date was March 20th....
the lords love
when dan and i found out of the options we had in regards to the baby, it was the hardest thing to do. as parents your first instinct is to do anything to save your children, but we knew that saving her was out of the question. being only 20 weeks clementine didn't have a chance at survival. we spent 41 precious minutes with our daughter. her death is very devastating and heartbreaking but both dan and i know that we will see our daughter again and we will be able to raise her. instead of seeing the bad side of this situation, dan and i try so hard to see the bright side of this situation...there are many, and this is what keeps us going. we have become much closer to each other since this incident and we try hard to comfort each other as well as listening to what we say we are feeling. the doctors don't have an idea of why this happened, especially since i had two previous full term labors without any complications. i have seen the lords will throughout this. we many not always understand why these things happen but we do know that the lord has a reason for all things.
when i got the ultrasound a couple weeks ago, we were not able to find out what we were having. the lord will only give us what he knows we can handle. i believe the lord knew that if we found out what we were having a girl it would that much more exciting and realistic to us, he didn't want that for us b/c it would be that much more devastating. i don't think it was a coincidence that we couldn't find out that day what we were having.
the week before clementine passed, dan's co-worker decided to change their time off of work. dan usually gets tuesday and wednesday nights, but his co-worker asked to change that to friday and saturday nights b/c he (co-worker) had something going on during the week and he needed those days off. i don't think that was a coincidence , the lord knew what was coming and he knew it would be hard for dan to get that weekend off, the lord provided us with that time for us to be together and mourn for our lost daughter.
i have seen the lord's love for me and my family sooo much these past two weeks. he provided us with soo much happiness by allowing the judge to see the truth and letting dan adopt ani. the next week he took a daughter from us but he only did it to strengthen our faith in him and i believe for so many other reasons too. the lord will only give us what he knows we can handle. he knows us more than we know ourselves. i am soo grateful for the gospel, if it wasn't for the gospel i would be a bitter woman the rest of my life.
some spirits don't need to come down to earth for very long. they may be too precious to our heavenly father and he doesn't want them to go, i believe clementine is very special to him. i also believe that all she needed was a physical body i am proud to have been given the opportunity to provide that for her. i am happy that the lord knew me, that he entrusted dan and me with this beautiful child of his and took her from us only b/c he knew we could handle the loss with joy... even though we are still sad (but in a good way).
when i got the ultrasound a couple weeks ago, we were not able to find out what we were having. the lord will only give us what he knows we can handle. i believe the lord knew that if we found out what we were having a girl it would that much more exciting and realistic to us, he didn't want that for us b/c it would be that much more devastating. i don't think it was a coincidence that we couldn't find out that day what we were having.
the week before clementine passed, dan's co-worker decided to change their time off of work. dan usually gets tuesday and wednesday nights, but his co-worker asked to change that to friday and saturday nights b/c he (co-worker) had something going on during the week and he needed those days off. i don't think that was a coincidence , the lord knew what was coming and he knew it would be hard for dan to get that weekend off, the lord provided us with that time for us to be together and mourn for our lost daughter.
i have seen the lord's love for me and my family sooo much these past two weeks. he provided us with soo much happiness by allowing the judge to see the truth and letting dan adopt ani. the next week he took a daughter from us but he only did it to strengthen our faith in him and i believe for so many other reasons too. the lord will only give us what he knows we can handle. he knows us more than we know ourselves. i am soo grateful for the gospel, if it wasn't for the gospel i would be a bitter woman the rest of my life.
some spirits don't need to come down to earth for very long. they may be too precious to our heavenly father and he doesn't want them to go, i believe clementine is very special to him. i also believe that all she needed was a physical body i am proud to have been given the opportunity to provide that for her. i am happy that the lord knew me, that he entrusted dan and me with this beautiful child of his and took her from us only b/c he knew we could handle the loss with joy... even though we are still sad (but in a good way).
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Sun
These last couple of days have been beautiful. Seems like spring is coming and I am excited. I have been speaking to a counselor and according to her I a "depressed". She gave me some medication, which I don't want to take. We will be moving to Florida by the end of this month. Southwest Florida to be exact. Hopefully being around more light can help with my "depression". It sure has made a big difference over the last couple of days.
We ordered Clementines gravestone. We probably won't be here when it is placed on her grave, I am sad; I wish I could see it.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I miss my little girl. I wish she was here with us. I would be in my last month of being pregnant. She was due on the 20th. I miss having a belly. I now look down and know that there is nothing growing inside of me, and it make me sad. What joy a child brings to life. At church I am surrounded by pregnant women, and women who have just had their babies. I wish I could be one of them. I don't know if how to feel. Sometimes I feel happy for them and at others I feel angry and very jealous. I guess that these feelings are normal for a mom who has lost a child. I wish to write down the whole experience of my miscarriage, but as of now I don't feel comfortable. I don't even know if anyone who knows what I am feeling is reading my blog. I do hope so. If not, then this is just for myself. Writing it down helps with my grieving process...supposedly.
Is it wrong that I don't want to do anything but just stay at home in bed all day long? I have my kids, I know they should keep me going, I know I should be glad that it didn't happen to one of them. But how can someone say that to me? I should be glad? The love I have for my kids is the same, strong love I have for Clementine. Just because she was in my belly the whole twenty weeks doesn't make a difference. Why should it? I love her the same. I always will.
We ordered Clementines gravestone. We probably won't be here when it is placed on her grave, I am sad; I wish I could see it.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I miss my little girl. I wish she was here with us. I would be in my last month of being pregnant. She was due on the 20th. I miss having a belly. I now look down and know that there is nothing growing inside of me, and it make me sad. What joy a child brings to life. At church I am surrounded by pregnant women, and women who have just had their babies. I wish I could be one of them. I don't know if how to feel. Sometimes I feel happy for them and at others I feel angry and very jealous. I guess that these feelings are normal for a mom who has lost a child. I wish to write down the whole experience of my miscarriage, but as of now I don't feel comfortable. I don't even know if anyone who knows what I am feeling is reading my blog. I do hope so. If not, then this is just for myself. Writing it down helps with my grieving process...supposedly.
Is it wrong that I don't want to do anything but just stay at home in bed all day long? I have my kids, I know they should keep me going, I know I should be glad that it didn't happen to one of them. But how can someone say that to me? I should be glad? The love I have for my kids is the same, strong love I have for Clementine. Just because she was in my belly the whole twenty weeks doesn't make a difference. Why should it? I love her the same. I always will.
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