Sun

These last couple of days have been beautiful. Seems like spring is coming and I am excited. I have been speaking to a counselor and according to her I a "depressed". She gave me some medication, which I don't want to take. We will be moving to Florida by the end of this month. Southwest Florida to be exact. Hopefully being around more light can help with my "depression". It sure has made a big difference over the last couple of days.
We ordered Clementines gravestone. We probably won't be here when it is placed on her grave, I am sad; I wish I could see it.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I miss my little girl. I wish she was here with us. I would be in my last month of being pregnant. She was due on the 20th. I miss having a belly. I now look down and know that there is nothing growing inside of me, and it make me sad. What joy a child brings to life. At church I am surrounded by pregnant women, and women who have just had their babies. I wish I could be one of them. I don't know if how to feel. Sometimes I feel happy for them and at others I feel angry and very jealous. I guess that these feelings are normal for a mom who has lost a child. I wish to write down the whole experience of my miscarriage, but as of now I don't feel comfortable. I don't even know if anyone who knows what I am feeling is reading my blog. I do hope so. If not, then this is just for myself. Writing it down helps with my grieving process...supposedly.
Is it wrong that I don't want to do anything but just stay at home in bed all day long? I have my kids, I know they should keep me going, I know I should be glad that it didn't happen to one of them. But how can someone say that to me? I should be glad? The love I have for my kids is the same, strong love I have for Clementine. Just because she was in my belly the whole twenty weeks doesn't make a difference. Why should it? I love her the same. I always will.