the lords love

when dan and i found out of the options we had in regards to the baby, it was the hardest thing to do. as parents your first instinct is to do anything to save your children, but we knew that saving her was out of the question. being only 20 weeks clementine didn't have a chance at survival. we spent 41 precious minutes with our daughter. her death is very devastating and heartbreaking but both dan and i know that we will see our daughter again and we will be able to raise her. instead of seeing the bad side of this situation, dan and i try so hard to see the bright side of this situation...there are many, and this is what keeps us going. we have become much closer to each other since this incident and we try hard to comfort each other as well as listening to what we say we are feeling. the doctors don't have an idea of why this happened, especially since i had two previous full term labors without any complications. i have seen the lords will throughout this. we many not always understand why these things happen but we do know that the lord has a reason for all things.

when i got the ultrasound a couple weeks ago, we were not able to find out what we were having. the lord will only give us what he knows we can handle. i believe the lord knew that if we found out what we were having a girl it would that much more exciting and realistic to us, he didn't want that for us b/c it would be that much more devastating. i don't think it was a coincidence that we couldn't find out that day what we were having.

the week before clementine passed, dan's co-worker decided to change their time off of work. dan usually gets tuesday and wednesday nights, but his co-worker asked to change that to friday and saturday nights b/c he (co-worker) had something going on during the week and he needed those days off. i don't think that was a coincidence , the lord knew what was coming and he knew it would be hard for dan to get that weekend off, the lord provided us with that time for us to be together and mourn for our lost daughter.

i have seen the lord's love for me and my family sooo much these past two weeks. he provided us with soo much happiness by allowing the judge to see the truth and letting dan adopt ani. the next week he took a daughter from us but he only did it to strengthen our faith in him and i believe for so many other reasons too. the lord will only give us what he knows we can handle. he knows us more than we know ourselves. i am soo grateful for the gospel, if it wasn't for the gospel i would be a bitter woman the rest of my life.

some spirits don't need to come down to earth for very long. they may be too precious to our heavenly father and he doesn't want them to go, i believe clementine is very special to him. i also believe that all she needed was a physical body i am proud to have been given the opportunity to provide that for her. i am happy that the lord knew me, that he entrusted dan and me with this beautiful child of his and took her from us only b/c he knew we could handle the loss with joy... even though we are still sad (but in a good way).