living in florida has changed my life. i love it here and it seems like depression is out! :) things are still hard and i still think of clementine a lot. i know she has gone to a better place but i miss her. my husband misses her and i don't know how to comfort him sometimes. sometimes i feel like my body is not capable of having another child. we have been trying since jan. but nothing yet. it's been almost a year, it's never taken this long. at other times i feel like there is still something that i need to learn from this. . . i don't know what. i ask my father in heaven to give me the strength to know what it is that i need to learn, i ask him to guide me. i don't know if the answer has been given yet, it's hard to be very patient.


i know she is in a better place, i only wish that better place was here with us and maybe someday it will be.

Today I was chatting with a long time friend. Not that long, she went to massage therapy school with me. Last year when we lost Clementine she was there. Thank you to all that were.

Clementine would be six months this month. Our lives are very different. I don't think I would be working, I would have three wonderful kids. I miss her, I didn't need to spend so much time with her to know that I love her unconditionally. I saw her and she was ours. She belonged to us even if it was only for 41 minutes. I sometimes imagine she would look like Kai. I wonder if she would have blond or black hair, if she would have my nose. I wonder what her personality would be like. Would she be chubby like Aniseth was as a baby? Would she be crawling by now? I can only wonder for now, hopefully I will know all these things someday. I know I will see her but living right now with out her is hard. I try not to think about it b/c it's painful. I function pretty well this way and as I write all these things down tears roll down my eyes. I wish I could just hold her and never let go.

I don' think I will ever recover.

i have a family blog, and soon after we lost Clementine i wrote "the lords love" post. i am now posting it here, i don't know why. i hope that someone is actually reading my blog and hopefully benefiting from this. it's hard to have to go through pre-term labor or a miscarriage. Clementine would have been here with us by now (if she had not been born early). Her due date was March 20th....

the lords love

when dan and i found out of the options we had in regards to the baby, it was the hardest thing to do. as parents your first instinct is to do anything to save your children, but we knew that saving her was out of the question. being only 20 weeks clementine didn't have a chance at survival. we spent 41 precious minutes with our daughter. her death is very devastating and heartbreaking but both dan and i know that we will see our daughter again and we will be able to raise her. instead of seeing the bad side of this situation, dan and i try so hard to see the bright side of this situation...there are many, and this is what keeps us going. we have become much closer to each other since this incident and we try hard to comfort each other as well as listening to what we say we are feeling. the doctors don't have an idea of why this happened, especially since i had two previous full term labors without any complications. i have seen the lords will throughout this. we many not always understand why these things happen but we do know that the lord has a reason for all things.

when i got the ultrasound a couple weeks ago, we were not able to find out what we were having. the lord will only give us what he knows we can handle. i believe the lord knew that if we found out what we were having a girl it would that much more exciting and realistic to us, he didn't want that for us b/c it would be that much more devastating. i don't think it was a coincidence that we couldn't find out that day what we were having.

the week before clementine passed, dan's co-worker decided to change their time off of work. dan usually gets tuesday and wednesday nights, but his co-worker asked to change that to friday and saturday nights b/c he (co-worker) had something going on during the week and he needed those days off. i don't think that was a coincidence , the lord knew what was coming and he knew it would be hard for dan to get that weekend off, the lord provided us with that time for us to be together and mourn for our lost daughter.

i have seen the lord's love for me and my family sooo much these past two weeks. he provided us with soo much happiness by allowing the judge to see the truth and letting dan adopt ani. the next week he took a daughter from us but he only did it to strengthen our faith in him and i believe for so many other reasons too. the lord will only give us what he knows we can handle. he knows us more than we know ourselves. i am soo grateful for the gospel, if it wasn't for the gospel i would be a bitter woman the rest of my life.

some spirits don't need to come down to earth for very long. they may be too precious to our heavenly father and he doesn't want them to go, i believe clementine is very special to him. i also believe that all she needed was a physical body i am proud to have been given the opportunity to provide that for her. i am happy that the lord knew me, that he entrusted dan and me with this beautiful child of his and took her from us only b/c he knew we could handle the loss with joy... even though we are still sad (but in a good way).

Sun

These last couple of days have been beautiful. Seems like spring is coming and I am excited. I have been speaking to a counselor and according to her I a "depressed". She gave me some medication, which I don't want to take. We will be moving to Florida by the end of this month. Southwest Florida to be exact. Hopefully being around more light can help with my "depression". It sure has made a big difference over the last couple of days.
We ordered Clementines gravestone. We probably won't be here when it is placed on her grave, I am sad; I wish I could see it.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I miss my little girl. I wish she was here with us. I would be in my last month of being pregnant. She was due on the 20th. I miss having a belly. I now look down and know that there is nothing growing inside of me, and it make me sad. What joy a child brings to life. At church I am surrounded by pregnant women, and women who have just had their babies. I wish I could be one of them. I don't know if how to feel. Sometimes I feel happy for them and at others I feel angry and very jealous. I guess that these feelings are normal for a mom who has lost a child. I wish to write down the whole experience of my miscarriage, but as of now I don't feel comfortable. I don't even know if anyone who knows what I am feeling is reading my blog. I do hope so. If not, then this is just for myself. Writing it down helps with my grieving process...supposedly.
Is it wrong that I don't want to do anything but just stay at home in bed all day long? I have my kids, I know they should keep me going, I know I should be glad that it didn't happen to one of them. But how can someone say that to me? I should be glad? The love I have for my kids is the same, strong love I have for Clementine. Just because she was in my belly the whole twenty weeks doesn't make a difference. Why should it? I love her the same. I always will.

I have found that the subject of miscarriage or early labor is not talked about much. Why? I have searched the net to find blogs of people who have had similar experiences, by reading their blogs I feel comforted. There is one problem though, I haven't found many. In fact I have only found one. I am starting this blog for my own grieving process. I don't want to forget this experience, why would I?
Going through this has helped me realize that there is sooo much more to look forward to than just this life on earth. I cannot wait to meet Clementine. I am sharing my experience so that hopefully, some grieving mother/father may feel comfort and know that there are people out there (like me) who know what they are going though. Sorry, but for me it is hard to accept people say "sorry, I know this must be hard." I think to myself, "yeah, it is hard. But you having sympathy for me isn't much help. You don't know what I am going though." Is it just common courtesy to say something nice? Sometimes it is just best to no say nothing at all.

Just hold me as I cry and that is all I need from you.